People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing
-- that's why we recommend it daily."
- Zig Ziglar
- Zig Ziglar
I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about motivation, primarily because thinking about it helps me to avoid actually doing anything about it. I've never been very good at motivating myself. Motivation most often comes from external forces in my life. Instead of deciding what I want to accomplish and working towards it I tend to clear large patches of time in order to be able to do whatever needs doing.. and people recognize this and ask me for help. But why am I like this? Why do I want one thing, (for instance, to spend time writing) but work for another (having nothing scheduled so that I can help when my neighbor asks if I can watch her daughter while she has some "me time"?) Why do I choose to do nothing on the off chance that I might be needed rather than do something productive, that would make me feel better about myself, to avoid the risk that I might have to say "No" to a request for my time? I used to think that it made me happy to be helpful but this is a lie. I am resentful. For a time I thought that my role in life truly was to help others reach their potential but now I believe that I was fooling myself. To most people I help I am nothing more than a crutch, interchangeable with half a dozen other people who support them.
The truth. I am not kind, or thoughtful, or concerned with helping others be all that they can be. In reality I have found the perfect disguise for my fear and insecurity. I won't fail if I never try and I can't try if I'm always too busy taking care of other people. Yes, it's perfect, except for one small detail. I hate it and that hatred is poisoning my life.
So my question to you is this; What do I do to fix this? It's a serious question. I know many of you are very good at organizing your lives, accomplishing your goals and still managing to be good friends, citizens and people in general. Give me some advice. Don't feel as though you need to make me feel better. I don't want to feel better. I want to change.