Monday, April 5, 2010
Tears are the biggest change in me since I lost my uterus. Despite the fact that I still have my ovaries and therefore have no viable excuse for the waterworks, the floodgates are open and I have cried more in the last month than I have in the last ten years. Perhaps the tears come because I am pain free and can finally relax, release my grip on the safety bar that has kept me from jumping out of the car and onto the tracks of my decrepit carnival ride of life. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.
Not to belabor the point but pain has been a constant companion since my teen years. Pain that didn't make sense, that was too large for diagnosis, pain that caused me to stop asking questions because there were no answers and doctors tend to get annoyed with patients who keep complaining. I had the first surgery on my reproductive organs when I was seventeen years old. Then, despite the fact that I was told I might have trouble getting pregnant, I managed to do it seven times. Each pregnancy had complications that weren't easily explained, or, unfortunately for the fetus, survivable 43% of the time, but my body insisted on being fertile despite all attempts at contraception. Go figure. The ovaries worked fine but the uterus didn't always cooperate.
For thirty years I have felt as though there was an enemy living within me but finally it is gone. The pathology report shows that there was indeed something wrong, pockets of endometrial tissue growing within the uterine muscle, that possibly explains a lot of my history. Or possibly not. I will never truly know. But, now that the uterus is finally gone, there is an empty spot in my abdomen that seems to be filling with joy, and releasing, inexplicitly, a flood of tears.