I feel different. Is different okay?
Either I'm doing something right or I'm doing something very wrong! This morning I got the kids off to school, ate some heavenly strawberry and honey Greek yogurt, poured myself a cup of coffee and then wrote thirty lines of rhyme for my NaPiBoWriWee day three picture book in thirty minutes. The book came together so fast that I just now realized that my coffee cup is still full and stone cold.
It's odd how debilitating self-doubt can be. From the time we are small children we are told that we have to work hard to be good at things. "Practice the piano, you'll never get good if you don't work at it." "Try harder!" "It takes work to learn the basics of a sport." "Don't give up!" "No pain, no gain!" But what about the things that we are naturally good at? For some reason I have discounted skills that seem too easy to master, placing little value on anything that just comes naturally to me. These skills seem suspect. How can what I wrote this morning be any good if I didn't struggle with it? Well, I guess I am struggling, in a way. I'm struggling to give myself permission to be good at something without hating it. Do you know that the only writing I've been paid for was stuff that I hated? I hated every minute of writing it, I hated the finished product, I hated myself for using words to sell stuff. But I got paid for it which gave it value and the suffering just proved that it was legitimate work, right?
Well, whether it's a natural talent or a load of crap, I have managed to write another picture book today. We are almost halfway through the week. Three down, four to go. Tomorrow I think I'll write about finding something you are good at.