Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So much to say... part one

I've been trying to write a damned post for four days now and every time I sit down with my computer in my lap all that my brain will give me is a recording of Dave Matthews...

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside
can't see the light
and my heaven is a nice house in the sky
I got central heating and I'm alright
yeah yeah yeah can't see the light
keep it locked up inside don't talk about it
t-t-talk about the weather

So I talked about the weather. Boring wasn't it? But I am really having trouble coming up with more to write about. The funny thing is that I'm not short of subjects; actually I have too many. There is so much going on around here right now that figuring out where to start is the first problem...

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

And how much to share is the second...

I've been sitting on one piece of news for many weeks now and I can finally share it but it feels anticlimactic now... and complicated. You see, a year and a half ago we made the decision that Bob would leave the stable, safe, corporate world and take a job at a much smaller company. It has been a remarkable experience in many ways.. unfortunately not all the remarks would be positive. During this time he has also been frequently encouraged to return to his old company. Well, for various reasons he recently decided to consider the options and before we knew it there was a very nice offer in front of him. He took it.. and he resigned from his current job, giving them more than a month to find his replacement but the owners didn't want to tell the staff immediately and, since I also work there, and some of my coworkers read this blog, I had to stay quiet. Now I can talk about it because everyone knows but I don't feel right about talking.

I'm not sure what will happen with my job. I work on a contract basis and took the job because Bob really needed a spot filled and they couldn't add staff. I am not an employee and my contract could be cancelled any day and I honestly wouldn't cry about that. In fact I would quit tomorrow if I didn't like my supervisor so much. She's a very nice lady who is currently overwhelmed because her boss (my husband) is leaving and one of her full time employees is going part time so that she can go back to school. I don't want to make things any harder than they already are. However, I really want my life back. I know this sounds whiny to many women. I work with a few who can not imagine why I am not thrilled to have escaped the drudgery of being a "housewife". But I'm not thrilled.. I'm bored. I miss having time to write. I miss baking. I hate that my house is messy and my budget is shaky because I'm distracted and tired. I feel like I'm wasting my days sitting around that office. I don't know what to do but right now I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing and evaluate again after Bob has left and things start to change... because things will definitely change

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

It's midnight and I need to get to bed. I'm going to post this as part one and maybe it will motivate me to write some more after work tomorrow...


Leeann said...

DO write more today. You must. I have hated being so in the dark about how you are and what is going on with you.

I might have to make you do a blog challenge just to get you to write!


Karen MEG said...

I agree with leann. You should write more... sometimes I find the more I write, the more inspired I get.
You are good... that is a lot to keep "under your belt"; major life decisions. There are pluses and minuses with the work/home thing. It's a challenge to sort it all out and figure out what really feels right sometimes when you're juggling it all.

dkuroiwa said...

I am such a Dave Matthews fan....now I'm singing as I'm typing!!

I'm going to be lazy and just "ditto" what leeann and karen said...keep writing...take it from one who knows...
A few months ago, I was apologizing for not posting and a good friend told me that blogging was for "me"...there was absolutely no need to worry about the topic I chose...I was to write for me. If someone read what I happened to write, then, that was a good thing. Even the weather...or just pictures...or cherry blossoms (which I loved by the way!!)...those are things that are what YOU are thinking bout...and those of us who read you, understand. We are not judging...just sending you good vibes, warm thoughts, and an ocassional joke every now and then!!
I just now, seriously, about 5 minutes ago...posted about something like this...go and check it out...and play a bit...maybe it will help!!!

Family Adventure said...

It's the part about letting people down that always stops us from doing what we really want, isn't it?

Can you have it both ways? Could you reduce your work hours to find more time in the day to do the other things you long to do?