Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Just another day

So, Monday I was sitting in my doctor's office trying to explain how I'm feeling.

Everything is ok. (Except I'm scared to death that it's not.) Life is peaceful. (And it's freaking me out.)
We are recovering from the last few years. (And will be in debt for the rest of our lives.) Ian seems to be doing well. (But what do I know when I only hear from him once every four weeks or so.) I don't hear from him much. (I dread the beginning of each month as I know he will probably be calling to ask for money soon.) The other kids are doing well. (But I know how many ways I've screwed up as a parent and I'm afraid that eventually they are going to hate me.) I hate taking antidepressants. (I had panic attacks when my prescription insurance denied my last prescription.) But I know I still need to. (Because I stopped taking them when the insurance was denied and promptly descended into a pit of darkness) I've been really busy... (this is a complete lie. I have been hiding in my house eating ice cream and reading children's books) it took some time to figure out our new insurance.. (because they made me feel like a drug dependant freak when I tried to talk to them) but if you fax the prescription directly to them they will fill it (and if they have questions they will contact you directly rather than denying the claim) and mail it directly to me (thereby taking the responsibility for communication away from me and greatly improving the chance that I will finally get the medication). I am rather anxious but I think it's just because I don't deal well with change. Even good things like Bob taking a new job and me not working anymore. It takes me a while to feel like everything is stable. (maybe by 2020 I'll start to feel better). I know that compared to what others are going through I have very little to complain about. I'm not going to sit here and cry "poor me". It's disingenuous and self-absorbed. (that's what my blog is for) But I do have to figure out a better way to deal with stress.

She suggested exercise and laughingly said that maybe I just need to buy a carton of eggs and go throw them at a fence. She really doesn't know me at all... and that is completely my fault. The truth is I will never feel comfortable talking about what is really going on in my head. I just can't do it. I smile and laugh and make light of it all because that's what I have always done. Sometimes I will write about it but that's rare too. Mostly, in real life and writing, I blow off steam with a little ranting about inconsequential things and then move on. I'm a mess but I try keep that mess contained and private.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about blogging. I truly admire people who are open, who do more than just illuminate their day to day living but shine a searchlight into the depths of their lives. Some of the best bloggers are those who are able to open the doors and show the world their messes. I wanted to write that kind of blog but I'm beginning to think I lack the guts or the depth.

However, I have noticed a disturbing trend while ruminating about this. Some of my favorite bloggers, the brave ones and the vulnerable ones, only last for so long. Eventually they succumb to the pressures involved with being so open and they fold. Sometimes without any warning. No explanation. No goodbyes. No closure. One day they are there and the next "Poof". Gone.

Perhaps someone told them to go buy a carton of eggs.


Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

"I wanted to write that kind of blog but . . ."

You just did.

You have the guts and the depth.

Wow. {{Applause}}

Mrs. G. said...

I really believe that the best way to feel better in the midst of pain (besides the antidepressants-I'm a believer) is to tell the truth to at least one person. The real, unvarnished truth. It eases my stress and makes me feel like my brain has been scrubbed clean and is not soaking in despair and shame. It's not a cliche about the truth setting you free.

I feel like I know more about you from this post than anything else you have written. Hey, start an anonymous blog if you have to-but get that shit out.

You are not alone in anything that you are dealing with-we all have our stuff.


Leeann said...

I agree with Mrs. G. I mean, I actually know you relatively well and I do think that you have at times laid it out with me before. You know what, though? Your truth allows others to feel safe to share their own truths also. Kind of a safety in numbers thing.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I have no idea what I just wrote except that that was an amazing post.


Jason said...

I've been known to open my doors and show the world my messes. I hope that I'm not one of those that folds. I do share a lot of things but certainly not EVERYTHING. It has been a scary, but cathartic experience. But I promise that if this poof poofs, I'll make every effort to say goodbye, Gina.

But I plan on sticking around for a very long time.

Oh, and by the way? One of the things I haven't shared on my blog is that I suffer from anxiety and have been taking medication for it for several years now. Almost nobody knows that about me.

Hang in there, Gina. More people feel these feelings you posted about than you can imagine.

nicrogers said...

Gina, I agree that telling at least one person really does help. You can't hide from the truth anymore. Also, maybe write your feelings down and then give it to your therapist. That way she/he can read what you have trouble saying. It just may help.

Glad you got the medication issue straightened out. Feel better soon girlfriend. I love you!(even if you are a lib) haha

Ginaagain said...

Cheri, thank you. You are kind.

Mrs. G, a nice clean brain is always a good thing but it's difficult to achieve. Sometimes I wish I could just send it out for cleaning.

Leeann, you want to hear something scary? I think you know me better than my "irl" friends.

Jason, I hope you never poof! You are one of my heros.

Nic, Nic, Nic... I love you too even if you aren't a lib.

Bellezza said...

Dear Gina,
I didn't know you were feeling so much angst. I wrap my arms around you, and commend your courage in addressing your feelings so boldly. Dare I suggest things to comfort you? No. But, I can tell you what comforts me:

writing in my journal (I can only get so naked publicly on my blog)

reading my Bible


riding my bike

escaping into my books

I hope you are encouraged and strengthened soon.

Karen MEG said...

Gina, you are writing that kind of blog. We all have our messes, and not all of us are brave enough to share them.

This was a very honest and open post. And you're a lot more together than you realize. Believe you me.

That egg trick, maybe it's a good one. But couldn't it get expensive after a while LOL?

Manager Mom said...

I think this post shows that you ARE one of the ones that CAN open your doors and shine a light into your soul. You don't have to do it every post...but the ones you do are precious.

dkuroiwa said...

Wow. The support that has been put out there for you is amazing, isn't it? And yeah, Cheri IS DID write that kind of post. It always amazes me, how sometimes, I can't verbalize what is wrong or how I feel and then, I go to someone's blog and it's like the clouds have lifted, the sun is shining and swear to God, I can almost hear singing.
We do what we can to make it through...that's all that anyone can ask of us...I think that someday I'm going to get a bracelet to wear that just says "breathe" know, to remind me.
So Gina...breathe...and maybe tossing a few eggs might not be so bad...or throwing some punches at the punching bag...Find the vent that works and go for it!!!

Ginaagain said...

Bellezza, thank you for your suggestions and the virtual hug.

Karen, expensive and stinky I would think. Honestly, it seems like a ridiculous suggestion to me. I tend to throw laundry when I'm really frustrated but that doesn't help because I just have to pick it up and fold it again.

Jennifer, Thank you.. and I'm so glad you came back from your hiatus. I was mourning the potential loss of your blog.

Debbie, Yes, the support is amazing and humbling. I am amazed that you all care enough to be so nice and ashamed that I whined and everyone tried to make me feel better.

Laura/CenterDownHome said...

Hey Gina --

I just read this, or I would have responded sooner.

I think that I will send you an email. Too much in my head for a blog comment. It might take me a day or two, though. I have a splitting headache from this little, fuzzy computer screen. (Our old monitor fizzled, so we dragged this thing out of the basement. Ahh! My eyes!)

I hope that today is a good day. :)
Mrs. G.'s comment made me think of this quote from the Muriel Rukeyser poem about Kathe Kollwitz:

"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open."

Better than you splitting open,I say.


Ginaagain said...

Laura, I hope your headache gets better soon.