Wednesday, October 31, 2007

It's 9pm. All good trick-or-treaters are safely home. It's probably time to move the pumpkins from the front porch and into the garbage can before the bad trick-or-trashers come out. My kids are holed up in the den (where the puppy can't go) surrounded by mountains of candy. They are engaged in a ritual that I remember fondly from my childhood. Counting out and trading their loot. I love sitting here listening to their negotiations. This is a new experience for the three of them. In the past we had a "no trading" rule to protect them from intimidation and coercion. We don't need that rule anymore. It's times like this.. listening to these three kids that I feel the most grief for the fourth.

It hit me earlier today... the guilt and anger and loss... and I had to go out to the garage to cry for awhile. But crying for Ian is more like dry heaves.. the reflexive action of a body empty of everything but still unable to recover. I wonder if I will ever have tears again. Life is calmer for the five of us without him living here. It's so obvious that we are doing what is best for Zane, Taylor and Delaney... and when I doubt it I have a few counselors I can call who will remind me why this decision was made. But giving Ian the freedom he was fighting for meant giving up the child we were fighting to save.

I don't know where Ian is tonight. Maybe he will call me tomorrow but I don't think he will. We talked with his former roommates Sunday and it sounds like he is out of control. They had good reasons to ask him to leave but felt he had manipulated the situation to make it look as though they had thrown him out for insignificant reasons. It was sad talking with them. They know well the danger he is putting himself in but they can't risk their own sobriety to save him.

Where do you draw the line? How much should you do to save someone who doesn't want help? I don't know. What I do know is that there are three children laughing down the hall who didn't laugh much a year ago. They are my reason for going on when I think I can't.

I love their laughter.


Karen MEG said...

That's one ugly pumpkin! I'll have to try that next year.

I hope Ian calls you soon. It sounds to me that your decision, as painful as it was, was absolutely the right one for your family.


Leeann said...


I just love you.

I have nothing else to say but I hope that you know that I just love you.


Gina said...

Karen, Zane made that pumpkin. I never would have though of that! It was my favorite one this year.

Leeann, thank you for always being there for me. You are such a great friend.